the ex- factor

Its currently almost four in the morning and I have just arrived home. I was pretty much up to no good. But not really up to no good, just no good for me. I just walked home from my ex- boyfriends house because unfortunately for me he lives 25 minutes down the road walking distance. Nothing happened. Just talked while drinking pink lemonade green tea, an activity we've done so often in the past. Completely innocent yet I can't help but feel completely guilty. I shouldn't feel guilty because it was a harmless visit, however I didn't clear the visit with a certain someone and maybe that is why this visit is weighing so heavily on my conscience. I know however that after tommorow it will no longer be an issue on my mind but at four in the morning it certainly is.

The problem with the ex- down the road is that unfortunately I stay up late at night and so does he. Unfortunately I get lonely and bored at night and so does he. Unfortunately my first day back in town from university I ran in to him and unfortunately he called me that night to see how I was.

I'm not quite sure what is the worst part of all of this. Maybe that I actually enjoy his company and he might know me better than most people. I always sort of thought he didn't really know me at all and that he simply just saw me and listened to me but didn't really listen to me. Well tonight I discovered that he knows me well and I never had any idea.

Also the most interetsing part about the visit was that he broke up with me so I figured he never felt hurt by the breakup. But it was revealed to me that it did hurt him and he doesn't want to date anyone currently in his life because it will make him vulnerable to hurt. That statement made me feel bad for a moment but I suppose he has a point, which got me thnking,

If you avoid being in a relationship with someone, can you avoid being hurt?

I'd like to say that is definitely not true. I mean, I wonder if when my ex- looks at me, stares deep into my eyes, if he can't help but feel some sort of hurt or disappointment. He adored me when we dated and I knew he did. Like, absolutely in every way adored me. I know he will never adore me the way he used to but I can't help but wonder how he feels when he looks at me. I just think there would still be some sort of hurt feeling there. I have a hurt feeling in me when I look at him.

The visit itself was pleasant and it made me really think about me. What makes me happy and what I'm doing to be happy. Life is what you make it as my ex- so often says, and he definitely isn't lying.

Xo BJshopaholic